Today I have been feeling up and down. I don't know why other then as we wait for a placement for Foster Care it is taking a toil on me. Some days I am just fine then others I go crazy that we are not going to have any kids! I just have been reading and hearing of all these women that can't take care of them selves are being able to have children. I try not to let my mind get to the point that it is not fare BUT IT IS NOT FARE!! I believe we didn't come to this world to be handed everything but I guess I am not satisfied to have borrowed children ANYMORE I love them with all I know but not with all my heart cuz I know that I will have to let them go everyday! With foster care it will be a little like that but I feel we will be in their lives forever even with their parents too.
I have decided that I am going to try one more time to get prego, I will keep going with fertility til I get pregnant. And I will do everything in my power to have a healthy child. But after that I am DONE with trying to have a child of our own. I will do foster care til we run out of room in our home. Which means YES we want to adopt! I know we are to have children one way or another but just hard when you feel you are the ONLY ONE who doesn't not have children. You start doubting that you are good enough, that when you lose your tempter at stupid stuff is why you don't because Heavenly Father does not trust you with His child! I do know that is not how He is. He loves us and wants the best for each of us. Just wish wish wish I knew His time line, I know He is teaching me much needed patients. But Today I just feel forgotten! That my son Isaac was my taste at motherhood, that the promises given me have taken place. But now you have to wait til Heaven to have the rest of your family!
IT is just crazy it is like there are two of me, one that wants to be so mad so done with all of it! The other knows that we will have other children that it will all work out. That we are going to be so busy we will long for days like now. So the two fight inside me to prove that either one is RIGHT!
Which hey in this day and age that is the best place to have them, they don't have to deal with this WAY CRAPPY WORLD. I have asked who wants to bring them to this place of sadness and gloom. You know that is not true what I do know is that there is so much greatness happening that I want children to be part of it. I want to go to that zoo and watch them light up with the different animals. To watch them on Christmas mourning. You know all the things that are just not as fun without a childs smile, laugh and yes even their cries!!
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
