Why do I have HORMONES??

Monday I was down most of the day, then woke up just fine have been having a good week til I woke up today! I have been crying on and off all day! See I am going to be 35 soon, for my whole life I have said I do not want children after I turn 35. Could be playing a big part of this cuz now is the time we have to try. I don't want to be a old mom! My mom had me when she was 40 and she had no energy for me. I want to share the world with our kids not just have them to say I am not broken!

I know 35 is not that old, sort of but it is because I thought the Lord would hear my plea. That I would be blessed to have a living child by now. I know he has a sense of humor, that it is like He is saying we'll see if you don't have any past 35. So I am trying to wait to see what this next year brings. But very very hard when we feel we can't even be in trusted with foster children! That would not even be ours, just on loan!! And we cant get any NOT ONE! But I truly am trying just doesn't sound like it today, but I know I have to have Faith and Hope that it is in His hands. We do what we can, that is all we can do leave the Rest to the Lord to know if we are to have children. I am just asking for one that is it. I am going to try to get pg for a while and IF I get pg it will be my last and if I loss that one I would still be done. It would just be telling me to let it go, not in our cards to be parents now!

It Is FALL

This is one of my Favorite times of the year!!! Love the leaves changing color and YES the cooler weather!

What a week has brought, my best friend had her new baby girl! Safe and sound she came into this world! She is a true miracle and so beautiful!! I went to the hospital and to my amazement to my self I was ok seeing and holding her! I have not held a new baby for a very long time. I always worry that I am going to cry the whole time and take away the happiness of the parents. But I just held her and talked to her. I was there for a very long time and hope I didn't over stay my welcome. I loved visiting with my friend and her husband, they are a awesome couple! I wish them the VERY VERY BEST!!!

This last week I also had to take my provera pills to help me along. It made me so moody, I was a bear then I would cry. I told my husband as he looked at me like I was crazy, WELCOME to the life of INFERTILITY!! Then we just laughed, it is so hard when your body doesn't work right you totally feel it is your fault or that you should do something to make it right. I waited some days and the pill didn't work when I thought it should. So I was getting mad and going ohh maybe.... I try not to play that game but it always is there. I talked to a friend that I made in foster care classes and she is trying to get pregnant too. So she has to take the same pills and she told me it takes her long before they work for her. It calmed me and I waited, boy I could of waiting longer for what it made me do and feel!!  LOL LOL But it was good to have a good cycle for once. This week I start birth control, my CMN wants me to do bc every other month and clomid the next. We wait and see times get very hard to wait cuz we don't have foster care placements yet too. So we just wait and wait and wait! As I wait I am doing ZUMBA! Love it! It is so fun cuz you are dancing (well trying too) and you don't think you are working out!!