Where to start?.......

I have always known that I would have problems getting pregnant. So when I got married for the first time we started trying right away knowing it would take time. I then after three years found  the most wonderful mid-wife who worked a lot with infertility. Because she had problems herself. So she did all the tests and found that I have PCOS. Which makes sense of a lot of things about me! We then started to talk about fertility treatments. Here we went on the UP and DOWN rollercoaster of cycle checking. I went for about 6 months of feeling like I lived at the docs office. Then my body started to respond to the meds. So in october of '04 I was finally able to get pregnant after two IUI's. I waited my 35 days that the doc told me to wait, so when I woke up in the middle of the night I know I had to take the test!  I was so nerves that it took me forever to open the preg test, but I did take the test at 2am. I waited forever it seemed, but it came back POSITIVE!!!!!!

I called and got my first appt, it was just a dot. So I had to come back in a week or two (don't remember everything as it was, but others I can tell you as if it just happened)  I called it my little dot!
I went back to the docs and I could not believe how fast it grew! I was given my due date of July 20th 2005, I was so excited I could hardly believe it! I was going to have a baby!! I didn't want to know what it was for a long time, I wanted to be surprised! The pregnancy was wonderful,  I was never sick just a little bit by smells but other then that it was great! I even lost 20 lbs in the first four months, who could not ask for more then that.
Well by the 6th month I could not wait to see what I was having, I had my target ultrasound and the tech wanted  to tell me but I said I will wait til my doc can tell me in like 2 weeks. The pictures they took were AWESOME!!!

I went back to my doc and she told me it was a BOY!!!! I was so excited!! I didn't not care if it was a boy or a girl just that it was healthy!!! I named him ISAAC!  Everything was great, I started going every 2 weeks. It was so great to call him by his name. I was so ready to be a mom!

But it was one night I was at my parents and I was sowing him birth chart with his name and places for his weight, length and birth date. When all the sudden I felt me whole body jerk, I looked around no one else seemed to have seen me move because they didn't say or stop what they were doing. I thought I was just freaking out over nothing like I had the whole pregnancy. (Every time it was time for my appt I would say lets go see if there is a baby. I don't know why but I did not know if it was real or if  I was just dreaming. But when I was 6 months then I was not dreaming any more I was going to have a BABY!)

But this time when I went to go to bed I did not feel my son move! He moved every night all night so I knew something was wrong. I was to see my doc the next day but they called earlier to change the day to thursday. So I knew my doc would not be there, I didn't not want to have anyone else tell me my baby was gone but her!
I finally called and talked to a nurse and she told me that when you are this far along that the baby does not move that much. To eat something with a lot of sugar to get him to move, so I did and I thought he did move so I relaxed a little and waited for my appt the next day.

It was May 26th, I worked that whole day and went in after work while I had thought I had felt him move all day. They took my blood pressure and it was higher then  it had ever been. My doc came in and went right to finding a heartbeat. She started recording it for me, it sounded weird it sounded like I called it an alien. But soon found out it was my heart beat, so she said I will be right back. I knew that there was most definitely something wrong. She had to bring in "REAL DOCTOR" because she is just a mid-wife (I LOVE MY MID-WIFE, doctors ph.d do not have any bed side manner!) so when there is a problem the doctor has to confirm. He said yep no heartbeat just like it was the weather report. I know he did not know me from Adam but I do think you can have some tact. So he said normally we would send you home but with your bp then  it had ever been. My doc came in and went right to finding a heartbeat. She started recording it for me, it sounded weird it sounded like I called it an alien. But soon found out it was my heart beat, so she said I will be right back. I knew that there was most definitely something wrong. She had to bring in "REAL DOCTOR" because she is just a mid-wife (I LOVE MY MID-WIFE, doctors ph.d do not have any bed side manner!) so when there is a problem the doctor has to confirm. He said yep no heartbeat just like it was the weather report. I know he did not know me from Adam but I do think you can have some tact. So he said normally we would send you home but with your bp so high it has problem gone up higher now. You need to go straight to the hospital to labor and delivery. I was crying so much that I could not see anything but I looked at my mid-wife and said I do not want to deliver to him, I dont want to got through all that pain for nothing! She came to my side and said you want a c-section? I said yes!  I was already scared to go through labor NOW with no joy after words I wanted nothing to do with it! But the real doc said NO you do not want to do a c-secton for your first pregnancy. I just wanted to hit him!!

So I was on my way to the hospital, everything was going in slow motion. I called my work and talked to a lady I worked with in the office. I didn't even talk to a manager, but she did for me she was so sweet and told me not to worry about again to do with work that everything would work. To just take care of me, she said she was so sorry and she had to go cuz between both of us neither one of us could talk. Then I got to the hospital, it was so maddening to see two babies crying and being taken to their parents. I went to the desk and they most have known I was coming cuz I just had to say my name and off we went to a room at the end of the hall. I think they put me the farthest way away from any way of hearing good news for others down the hall or next to me. They told me to change into a grown and a nurse would be right in. I took my maternity clothes that a I was wearing and through them at and said BURN THEM!!! They had been my most favorite clothes I had, but then I stopped and said NO that is not why this is happening. So they put them in a bag then somewhere I don't know cuz after that my brain was in survival mode. So I called my niece (who is like my sister) told her HE is gone, she said what? I said Isaac is gone, she started to cry. She said do you want to take to grandma and grandpa (my mom and dad)? I said I don't know how mom is going to take it so if you can tell dad and if he would let her know that she lost a grandson. I just didn't think I could even talk to her cuz when these things happen she can shut down.

I got on the bed and they started IV's to get me to start going into labor. By the time they were done my dad and niece came in, I was so glad to see them. I just could not think at all so the nurses would ask things and to me it sounded like they were talking in foreign language. So my niece HELPED SO MUCH! I would not have made it with out her. So the next group of people came in, this was the part where I loosed it! They came in and started talking about what his name would be to fill out the Death Certificate. To decide what mortuary I wanted to use to take care of my son's body. I said I don't want to BURY MY SON! Then in the most quiet voice she said then you want to cerement him?  ( not to go against any one who has chosen to do this and is reading this we all have different ways of couping) I yelled NO I DON'T WANT TO BURN MY SON! See just could not get my thoughts together at all. Just could not believe at age 28 I was going to have to bury my only child! Your child is to bury you when you are old. I chose the myers mortuary because they seemed to help the most with all expenses. Because they had loosed a baby at a young age and wanted to help all that they could.

After all the paper work was done, all came quiet in my room. All I could do is look at the baby table that was in the room for when a baby is born to get cleaned, weighed and pictures where taken. I knew none of that would be needed for me I just wish they would have taken it out I hated looking at it. From the time I was told that Isaac was gone of which earlier when I felt that jerk at my parents, I know believe that is when He left me and went back to Heaven. They kept coming in and checking my bp, it never went as high as it did at the doc office. Which they thought was weird but it was a good thing I guess. It didn't matter to much to me at this point because I wanted to be gone too! I wanted to be where my son was, I just wanted to hear him cry!  The evening went on I was so hungry but they would not let me eat. Because they thought for sure I would have the baby very soon, but I proved them wrong. My mid-wife came in and checked me, she said I am going to cry through this whole delivery. She graped a tissue and sat by me, then is when I found out that the day before her husband had had surgery to replace one of his heart valves. I told oh my gosh you should be with him, but she told me he was fine and I need to be with you! So for the rest of the time she would go see him then back to me and back and forth.

By nine the first night I was not dilated more then a one, so she said I could eat! I was so excited, see I was used to eating at least something every two hours. It had been a good eighteen hours, so while I was pregnant I never had anything fried. So I had my niece go get me a fried chicken!! LOVE LOVE fried chicken, missed it so much! But with everything going on I didn't not enjoy it at all, didn't eat much before a threw up. It got later and later so those that came to visit had left. So it was just too quiet, when a new nurse came in to check on me she and I started talking (I wish I wrote down all the names down so I would remember). She stayed there for quite some time, it seemed for hours. I knew she must have other patience but you never would have known. I think I finally went to sleep but was in and out because of the lovely bp cuff!

Now it was May 27th, I had a lot of people come visit which was nice but most didnt not know what to say, I just wanted them there. Well by noon, my mid-wife came in and I was still a one so she decided to brake my water. WOW that was crazy! I felt to go to the potty but it just kept coming they said don't worry just lay down. Oh ok yeah you just want to lay in it but they must have had great pads under me cuz I don't remember ever feeling it. By like 2 or 3 my back was just killing me, so I never wanted to get a epidural before want to try natural. But I said he is not here to get hurt from it I want it and I want it NOW! So they ordered it, I was scared worried about if they would pyrolyze me if they did it wrong. ( I know I think and worry way to much) But the guy that did it did it awesome everything he said would happen did and WOW it was AMAZING! They were pumping me with so much liquid that my feet were so HUGE! It didn't help that I guess I was to long for the bed that my feet hung over the end. I know I am tall but it was like they never saw someone this tall, all nurses were wow how tall are you? We should get you something to hold up you feet! I would tell them that would be nice but they would leave and never would bring anything in. Oh well! So  now I was not feeling any of the pain, it was wonderful! But I still was not dilating, so they put me on the highest level of potozine they could to get me started going. By evening I was at a two, I told my doc please can they leave me alone tonight? I just want to sleep, she nodded and said see you in the mourning.

Now it is May 28th, the doctor that told me not to have a c-section was at the hospital doing rounds and came in to do an ultra sound. It was the last time I saw my son in my belly, his head didn't look round anymore. The doc said what was happening was that he would come down with the contraction but would not stay there to help be dilate he would just go back up. I said duh, he didn't want to go through labor either! So he left then came back in and said they are going to do a c-section because it had been over 36 hours of labor and he needs to come out. I just wanted to look at him and say I told you to do a c-section in the first place and now my son has been gone for days that I would have been able to hold him by now. But I didn't I just laid there in shook, scared to have surgery and to wonder what my son looked like. They me ready, it didn't take long because of already having my upidural.

 But again my mid-wife could not be the one to do the surgery, so I had another doctor do it and she was a piece of work! She comes in to tell me what they will be doing, she said we will do the cut low so I will be able to wear a bikini this summer! I just about died, Yeah lady that is what I am worried about right now! Then they wheeled me into the operating room, moved me to a smaller bed that I thought I would fall off. It began I didn't not feel any pain but I sure knew they were pulling on my insides. My whole body felt like it was moving but not sure if it was. I was still waiting and hoping to hear him cry! Then I hear a phone go off, now I know that there might be other emergaizes so ya answer your phone but NO it was the doctors mom! She just had a normal conversation with her while I was lying there in just horror! IT was just not the place or time that she needed to take that call. I then heard water running,  I knew he was being cleaned off but NO CRYING! My worst dreams came true! They brought him to me but my arms were tied down so I could not touch him. My mid-wife wiped my tears away so I could see him. When I first saw him you could tell he had been gone for a while, his mouth was closed then I looked away and when I looked back his mouth was open. So for a sec I thought see he is alive he moved his mouth, but I knew better. They cleaned me up and took me to my room, they brought my perfect Isaac in to me. He was still warm but I could tell that when they cleaned him that his skin was delicate because of being gone so long before being born. So my BIGGEST regret  is that I didn't unwrap him, I just remember I didn't want to hurt him anymore. But I wish I had so I could see his hands, feet, legs, back and stomach. We had him for about two hours while family came in to say goodbye. Again I was not in my right mind because I didn't want to have pictures taken, which now I would love to have them. I just wanted to remember him being alive and moving. I am so THANKFUL to all the nurses that helped me, one that helped me and took care of Isaac was Sarah. I would really love to talk to her again, she stopped by the next day but just for a second. We told her she could stay but she brought me a willow tree guardian angel. I cried and cried it meant so much to me!

MORE TO COME............

Just started my first blog

This blog is under construction for the moment. Soon it will have my story to tell, thank you for your patience!