Why do I have HORMONES??

Monday I was down most of the day, then woke up just fine have been having a good week til I woke up today! I have been crying on and off all day! See I am going to be 35 soon, for my whole life I have said I do not want children after I turn 35. Could be playing a big part of this cuz now is the time we have to try. I don't want to be a old mom! My mom had me when she was 40 and she had no energy for me. I want to share the world with our kids not just have them to say I am not broken!

I know 35 is not that old, sort of but it is because I thought the Lord would hear my plea. That I would be blessed to have a living child by now. I know he has a sense of humor, that it is like He is saying we'll see if you don't have any past 35. So I am trying to wait to see what this next year brings. But very very hard when we feel we can't even be in trusted with foster children! That would not even be ours, just on loan!! And we cant get any NOT ONE! But I truly am trying just doesn't sound like it today, but I know I have to have Faith and Hope that it is in His hands. We do what we can, that is all we can do leave the Rest to the Lord to know if we are to have children. I am just asking for one that is it. I am going to try to get pg for a while and IF I get pg it will be my last and if I loss that one I would still be done. It would just be telling me to let it go, not in our cards to be parents now!

It Is FALL

This is one of my Favorite times of the year!!! Love the leaves changing color and YES the cooler weather!

What a week has brought, my best friend had her new baby girl! Safe and sound she came into this world! She is a true miracle and so beautiful!! I went to the hospital and to my amazement to my self I was ok seeing and holding her! I have not held a new baby for a very long time. I always worry that I am going to cry the whole time and take away the happiness of the parents. But I just held her and talked to her. I was there for a very long time and hope I didn't over stay my welcome. I loved visiting with my friend and her husband, they are a awesome couple! I wish them the VERY VERY BEST!!!

This last week I also had to take my provera pills to help me along. It made me so moody, I was a bear then I would cry. I told my husband as he looked at me like I was crazy, WELCOME to the life of INFERTILITY!! Then we just laughed, it is so hard when your body doesn't work right you totally feel it is your fault or that you should do something to make it right. I waited some days and the pill didn't work when I thought it should. So I was getting mad and going ohh maybe.... I try not to play that game but it always is there. I talked to a friend that I made in foster care classes and she is trying to get pregnant too. So she has to take the same pills and she told me it takes her long before they work for her. It calmed me and I waited, boy I could of waiting longer for what it made me do and feel!!  LOL LOL But it was good to have a good cycle for once. This week I start birth control, my CMN wants me to do bc every other month and clomid the next. We wait and see times get very hard to wait cuz we don't have foster care placements yet too. So we just wait and wait and wait! As I wait I am doing ZUMBA! Love it! It is so fun cuz you are dancing (well trying too) and you don't think you are working out!!

Crazy I know I am...

Well we finally have been able to get health insurance!!! I have been waiting til now to get my doc appt cot up. This is why now I am going back to my C.N.M, of which is why I am starting to try to get pregnant again. WELL... it is also because I have a WONDERFUL friend that has been able to get pregnant with her Rainbow blessing baby girl! She has let me be part of her appt and life as she has been preparing for her new arrival. So with all that and knowing that I am to try ONE more time and have been putting it off not wanting to go through the pain and loss again. I have decided that no matter how many times I scream, cry and so no I don't want to. I am going to keep trying til my doc brings up invetro again cuz then I will know that we will never have money for that and that will be my doc's way of saying this is not working. I am all good with artifical cuz that is how I got pregnant with my angel son! Plus it is so much les stress, just waiting time which is nothing new!

But we will see how this all goes I know with all my Heart that this is all in the Lords time. Just very hard to hear and see these kids given to parents that don't want them or know how to take care of them.

With all this I know I have not seen a dentist in like FOREVER so I now have a appt next week. Hate the dentist, but know I have somethings that need to be taken care of. To know that sometimes when you have teeth problems it can go to your baby. So if and when I get pregnant I don't want my teeth to be a factor that could change the out come.

Are there two of me?

Today I have been feeling up and down. I don't know why other then as we wait for a placement for Foster Care it is taking a toil on me. Some days I am just fine then others I go crazy that we are not going to have any kids! I just have been reading and hearing of all these women that can't take care of them selves are being able to have children.  I try not to let my mind get to the point that it is not fare BUT IT IS NOT FARE!! I believe we didn't come to this world to be handed everything but I guess I am not satisfied to have borrowed children ANYMORE I love them with all I know but not with all my heart cuz I know that I will have to let them go everyday! With foster care it will be a little like that but I feel we will be in their lives forever even with their parents too.

I have decided that I am going to try one more time to get prego, I will keep going with fertility til I get pregnant. And I will do everything in my power to have a healthy child. But after that I am DONE  with trying to have a child of our own. I will do foster care til we run out of  room in our home. Which means YES we want to adopt! I know we are to have children one way or another but just hard when you feel you are the ONLY ONE who doesn't not have children. You start doubting that you are good enough, that when you lose your tempter at stupid stuff is why you don't because Heavenly Father does not trust you with His child! I do know that is not how He is. He loves us and wants the best for each of us. Just wish wish wish I knew His time line, I know He is teaching me much needed patients. But Today I just feel forgotten! That my son Isaac was my taste at motherhood, that the promises given me have taken place. But now you have to wait til Heaven to have the rest of your family!

IT is just crazy it is like there are two of me, one that wants to be so mad so done with all of it! The other knows that we will have other children that it will all work out. That we are going to be so busy we will long for days like now. So the two fight inside me to prove that either one is RIGHT!  
Which hey in this day and age that is the best place to have them, they don't have to deal with this WAY CRAPPY WORLD. I have asked who wants to bring them to this place of sadness and gloom. You know that is not true what I do know is that there is so much greatness happening that I want children to be part of it. I want to go to that zoo and watch them light up with the different animals. To watch them on Christmas mourning. You know all the things that are just not as fun without a childs smile, laugh and yes even their cries!!

No More looking back!!

I have always said it in my head but NOW I am saying it out loud! I can not change the past, even though if I could I would want my son back in a heartbeat!! But other then that my past has made me who I am and I am finally starting to love my self again. To know that Isaac had a GREAT many proposes to his short life here on earth. But I still have felt that if I would take better care of my self that I would have had a brother or sister for him. I know that I have not laughed (not much) since he went home because it was hard for me to laugh cuz I felt when I did that I was forgetting him. So now my life is so much better more clear.

I have found my better half for sure 4 years ago, we will be married 3 years in just a couple of days. We are so much more in love now then we were when we got married which we (thought) we were then. M has helped me see more of the future to know that we can only strive to do our best. Which is not everyone best but my best!

We have decided to do foster care, of which I know we are to do but I have been kicking and screamming NNNOOO!!!! Because I just have not been strong enough to let them go back to their bio family. BUT I AM!! I know how it feels to have your child taken from you way to soon and out of your control.
I know it is different but you have to think of what the parent's went through when they grew up that made them who they are. So to them they feel like the choices they are making is not their felt or that they are not in control.

So this is now becoming a blog of LIFE what you are given and how you move forward and how you make the best of it. Now now it is not going to be all positive don't get me wrong. I will be venting here but I hope that after the storm our SUN will shine!

Where to start?.......

I have always known that I would have problems getting pregnant. So when I got married for the first time we started trying right away knowing it would take time. I then after three years found  the most wonderful mid-wife who worked a lot with infertility. Because she had problems herself. So she did all the tests and found that I have PCOS. Which makes sense of a lot of things about me! We then started to talk about fertility treatments. Here we went on the UP and DOWN rollercoaster of cycle checking. I went for about 6 months of feeling like I lived at the docs office. Then my body started to respond to the meds. So in october of '04 I was finally able to get pregnant after two IUI's. I waited my 35 days that the doc told me to wait, so when I woke up in the middle of the night I know I had to take the test!  I was so nerves that it took me forever to open the preg test, but I did take the test at 2am. I waited forever it seemed, but it came back POSITIVE!!!!!!

I called and got my first appt, it was just a dot. So I had to come back in a week or two (don't remember everything as it was, but others I can tell you as if it just happened)  I called it my little dot!
I went back to the docs and I could not believe how fast it grew! I was given my due date of July 20th 2005, I was so excited I could hardly believe it! I was going to have a baby!! I didn't want to know what it was for a long time, I wanted to be surprised! The pregnancy was wonderful,  I was never sick just a little bit by smells but other then that it was great! I even lost 20 lbs in the first four months, who could not ask for more then that.
Well by the 6th month I could not wait to see what I was having, I had my target ultrasound and the tech wanted  to tell me but I said I will wait til my doc can tell me in like 2 weeks. The pictures they took were AWESOME!!!

I went back to my doc and she told me it was a BOY!!!! I was so excited!! I didn't not care if it was a boy or a girl just that it was healthy!!! I named him ISAAC!  Everything was great, I started going every 2 weeks. It was so great to call him by his name. I was so ready to be a mom!

But it was one night I was at my parents and I was sowing him birth chart with his name and places for his weight, length and birth date. When all the sudden I felt me whole body jerk, I looked around no one else seemed to have seen me move because they didn't say or stop what they were doing. I thought I was just freaking out over nothing like I had the whole pregnancy. (Every time it was time for my appt I would say lets go see if there is a baby. I don't know why but I did not know if it was real or if  I was just dreaming. But when I was 6 months then I was not dreaming any more I was going to have a BABY!)

But this time when I went to go to bed I did not feel my son move! He moved every night all night so I knew something was wrong. I was to see my doc the next day but they called earlier to change the day to thursday. So I knew my doc would not be there, I didn't not want to have anyone else tell me my baby was gone but her!
I finally called and talked to a nurse and she told me that when you are this far along that the baby does not move that much. To eat something with a lot of sugar to get him to move, so I did and I thought he did move so I relaxed a little and waited for my appt the next day.

It was May 26th, I worked that whole day and went in after work while I had thought I had felt him move all day. They took my blood pressure and it was higher then  it had ever been. My doc came in and went right to finding a heartbeat. She started recording it for me, it sounded weird it sounded like I called it an alien. But soon found out it was my heart beat, so she said I will be right back. I knew that there was most definitely something wrong. She had to bring in "REAL DOCTOR" because she is just a mid-wife (I LOVE MY MID-WIFE, doctors ph.d do not have any bed side manner!) so when there is a problem the doctor has to confirm. He said yep no heartbeat just like it was the weather report. I know he did not know me from Adam but I do think you can have some tact. So he said normally we would send you home but with your bp then  it had ever been. My doc came in and went right to finding a heartbeat. She started recording it for me, it sounded weird it sounded like I called it an alien. But soon found out it was my heart beat, so she said I will be right back. I knew that there was most definitely something wrong. She had to bring in "REAL DOCTOR" because she is just a mid-wife (I LOVE MY MID-WIFE, doctors ph.d do not have any bed side manner!) so when there is a problem the doctor has to confirm. He said yep no heartbeat just like it was the weather report. I know he did not know me from Adam but I do think you can have some tact. So he said normally we would send you home but with your bp so high it has problem gone up higher now. You need to go straight to the hospital to labor and delivery. I was crying so much that I could not see anything but I looked at my mid-wife and said I do not want to deliver to him, I dont want to got through all that pain for nothing! She came to my side and said you want a c-section? I said yes!  I was already scared to go through labor NOW with no joy after words I wanted nothing to do with it! But the real doc said NO you do not want to do a c-secton for your first pregnancy. I just wanted to hit him!!

So I was on my way to the hospital, everything was going in slow motion. I called my work and talked to a lady I worked with in the office. I didn't even talk to a manager, but she did for me she was so sweet and told me not to worry about again to do with work that everything would work. To just take care of me, she said she was so sorry and she had to go cuz between both of us neither one of us could talk. Then I got to the hospital, it was so maddening to see two babies crying and being taken to their parents. I went to the desk and they most have known I was coming cuz I just had to say my name and off we went to a room at the end of the hall. I think they put me the farthest way away from any way of hearing good news for others down the hall or next to me. They told me to change into a grown and a nurse would be right in. I took my maternity clothes that a I was wearing and through them at and said BURN THEM!!! They had been my most favorite clothes I had, but then I stopped and said NO that is not why this is happening. So they put them in a bag then somewhere I don't know cuz after that my brain was in survival mode. So I called my niece (who is like my sister) told her HE is gone, she said what? I said Isaac is gone, she started to cry. She said do you want to take to grandma and grandpa (my mom and dad)? I said I don't know how mom is going to take it so if you can tell dad and if he would let her know that she lost a grandson. I just didn't think I could even talk to her cuz when these things happen she can shut down.

I got on the bed and they started IV's to get me to start going into labor. By the time they were done my dad and niece came in, I was so glad to see them. I just could not think at all so the nurses would ask things and to me it sounded like they were talking in foreign language. So my niece HELPED SO MUCH! I would not have made it with out her. So the next group of people came in, this was the part where I loosed it! They came in and started talking about what his name would be to fill out the Death Certificate. To decide what mortuary I wanted to use to take care of my son's body. I said I don't want to BURY MY SON! Then in the most quiet voice she said then you want to cerement him?  ( not to go against any one who has chosen to do this and is reading this we all have different ways of couping) I yelled NO I DON'T WANT TO BURN MY SON! See just could not get my thoughts together at all. Just could not believe at age 28 I was going to have to bury my only child! Your child is to bury you when you are old. I chose the myers mortuary because they seemed to help the most with all expenses. Because they had loosed a baby at a young age and wanted to help all that they could.

After all the paper work was done, all came quiet in my room. All I could do is look at the baby table that was in the room for when a baby is born to get cleaned, weighed and pictures where taken. I knew none of that would be needed for me I just wish they would have taken it out I hated looking at it. From the time I was told that Isaac was gone of which earlier when I felt that jerk at my parents, I know believe that is when He left me and went back to Heaven. They kept coming in and checking my bp, it never went as high as it did at the doc office. Which they thought was weird but it was a good thing I guess. It didn't matter to much to me at this point because I wanted to be gone too! I wanted to be where my son was, I just wanted to hear him cry!  The evening went on I was so hungry but they would not let me eat. Because they thought for sure I would have the baby very soon, but I proved them wrong. My mid-wife came in and checked me, she said I am going to cry through this whole delivery. She graped a tissue and sat by me, then is when I found out that the day before her husband had had surgery to replace one of his heart valves. I told oh my gosh you should be with him, but she told me he was fine and I need to be with you! So for the rest of the time she would go see him then back to me and back and forth.

By nine the first night I was not dilated more then a one, so she said I could eat! I was so excited, see I was used to eating at least something every two hours. It had been a good eighteen hours, so while I was pregnant I never had anything fried. So I had my niece go get me a fried chicken!! LOVE LOVE fried chicken, missed it so much! But with everything going on I didn't not enjoy it at all, didn't eat much before a threw up. It got later and later so those that came to visit had left. So it was just too quiet, when a new nurse came in to check on me she and I started talking (I wish I wrote down all the names down so I would remember). She stayed there for quite some time, it seemed for hours. I knew she must have other patience but you never would have known. I think I finally went to sleep but was in and out because of the lovely bp cuff!

Now it was May 27th, I had a lot of people come visit which was nice but most didnt not know what to say, I just wanted them there. Well by noon, my mid-wife came in and I was still a one so she decided to brake my water. WOW that was crazy! I felt to go to the potty but it just kept coming they said don't worry just lay down. Oh ok yeah you just want to lay in it but they must have had great pads under me cuz I don't remember ever feeling it. By like 2 or 3 my back was just killing me, so I never wanted to get a epidural before want to try natural. But I said he is not here to get hurt from it I want it and I want it NOW! So they ordered it, I was scared worried about if they would pyrolyze me if they did it wrong. ( I know I think and worry way to much) But the guy that did it did it awesome everything he said would happen did and WOW it was AMAZING! They were pumping me with so much liquid that my feet were so HUGE! It didn't help that I guess I was to long for the bed that my feet hung over the end. I know I am tall but it was like they never saw someone this tall, all nurses were wow how tall are you? We should get you something to hold up you feet! I would tell them that would be nice but they would leave and never would bring anything in. Oh well! So  now I was not feeling any of the pain, it was wonderful! But I still was not dilating, so they put me on the highest level of potozine they could to get me started going. By evening I was at a two, I told my doc please can they leave me alone tonight? I just want to sleep, she nodded and said see you in the mourning.

Now it is May 28th, the doctor that told me not to have a c-section was at the hospital doing rounds and came in to do an ultra sound. It was the last time I saw my son in my belly, his head didn't look round anymore. The doc said what was happening was that he would come down with the contraction but would not stay there to help be dilate he would just go back up. I said duh, he didn't want to go through labor either! So he left then came back in and said they are going to do a c-section because it had been over 36 hours of labor and he needs to come out. I just wanted to look at him and say I told you to do a c-section in the first place and now my son has been gone for days that I would have been able to hold him by now. But I didn't I just laid there in shook, scared to have surgery and to wonder what my son looked like. They me ready, it didn't take long because of already having my upidural.

 But again my mid-wife could not be the one to do the surgery, so I had another doctor do it and she was a piece of work! She comes in to tell me what they will be doing, she said we will do the cut low so I will be able to wear a bikini this summer! I just about died, Yeah lady that is what I am worried about right now! Then they wheeled me into the operating room, moved me to a smaller bed that I thought I would fall off. It began I didn't not feel any pain but I sure knew they were pulling on my insides. My whole body felt like it was moving but not sure if it was. I was still waiting and hoping to hear him cry! Then I hear a phone go off, now I know that there might be other emergaizes so ya answer your phone but NO it was the doctors mom! She just had a normal conversation with her while I was lying there in just horror! IT was just not the place or time that she needed to take that call. I then heard water running,  I knew he was being cleaned off but NO CRYING! My worst dreams came true! They brought him to me but my arms were tied down so I could not touch him. My mid-wife wiped my tears away so I could see him. When I first saw him you could tell he had been gone for a while, his mouth was closed then I looked away and when I looked back his mouth was open. So for a sec I thought see he is alive he moved his mouth, but I knew better. They cleaned me up and took me to my room, they brought my perfect Isaac in to me. He was still warm but I could tell that when they cleaned him that his skin was delicate because of being gone so long before being born. So my BIGGEST regret  is that I didn't unwrap him, I just remember I didn't want to hurt him anymore. But I wish I had so I could see his hands, feet, legs, back and stomach. We had him for about two hours while family came in to say goodbye. Again I was not in my right mind because I didn't want to have pictures taken, which now I would love to have them. I just wanted to remember him being alive and moving. I am so THANKFUL to all the nurses that helped me, one that helped me and took care of Isaac was Sarah. I would really love to talk to her again, she stopped by the next day but just for a second. We told her she could stay but she brought me a willow tree guardian angel. I cried and cried it meant so much to me!

MORE TO COME............

Just started my first blog

This blog is under construction for the moment. Soon it will have my story to tell, thank you for your patience!